The “happily ever after” myth and the reality of relationships

We grow up with enchanted tales portraying illusory loves of eternal happiness. Romantic stories in which, after a few initial obstacles, everything invariably ended with the phrase: “and they lived happily ever after”.

This cultural imagery, grounded in fairy tales, romantic films and even certain social beliefs, reinforces the idea that a true loving relationship must always be harmonious, without major conflicts, as if love were enough to erase the complexities of real life.

Today we know, through psychology and neuroscience, that relational reality is quite different: healthy relationships are not those without difficulties, but those that manage to grow through them. John Gottman, who has been researching the psychology of relationships for several decades, even notes that 69% of couples' conflicts are chronic (differences in personality, values or lifestyle). The researcher adds that what makes a good relationship possible is not so much resolving these differences (often impossible), but the capacity to talk about them with humour, empathy and flexibility.

It is not hard to see that a relationship often begins with unrealistic expectations of it. The imagery paints a scenario of eternal happiness in which the other person satisfactorily meets all our emotional needs, while day-to-day reality reveals something substantially different. We are complex beings with capacities and limitations, with unique life histories, with traumas and an emotional load that is at times heavy and brings us vulnerabilities. Perhaps this is the first premise to revisit if we want a healthy, lasting relationship: to invest more in the real relationship, in the real being who is with us, rather than staying attached to a beautiful dream of an ideal relationship with a perfect being only possible in films.

Love is not something static, but a dynamic process in permanent construction (or deconstruction…).

While the initial passion is highly captivating and we want it to last forever, research shows that it is a time-limited state. The neurotransmitters associated with passion, such as dopamine and adrenaline, bring us strong, even addictive emotions. They make us lose sleep, think almost obsessively about the other person; at times we even lose our appetite. It can be an important phase, providing the energy and enthusiasm to make room for the other person in our life, but little by little dopamine and adrenaline levels drop and the “fireworks” go out. Instead of mourning their end, we can appreciate the emergence of something deeper: a more stable intimacy, now based on oxytocin, the neurotransmitter associated with lasting bonds.

It is important to understand that true intimacy is born of shared vulnerability. Brené Brown's research highlights how the courage to be authentic and imperfect before another person strengthens our bonds. However, opening up in this way requires relational safety — a space in which both people feel seen and respected. This does not happen automatically; it is built day by day, through small actions: listening without interrupting, clear communication, respect and trust, validating feelings, commitment, healthy conflict management, availability and flexibility, expressing gratitude and appreciation.

It may seem intuitive to think that, because relationships require effort, they lose their “magic”. Yet this conscious effort strengthens the bond, revealing how much the relationship matters to each partner. Longitudinal studies show that couples who invest in moments of connection — such as talking daily, celebrating achievements, developing humour in challenging moments — tend to report greater marital satisfaction. Contrary to the “happily ever after” myth, happiness as a couple is not a destination but a path, an ongoing practice.

Simply becoming aware that a relationship does not need to be perfect to be rich and valuable can be profoundly liberating. Understanding and accepting that there will be moments of silence and distance, misunderstandings, differences of opinion, disparities — and that, even so, it is possible for Love to exist and persist.

When we stop expecting a fairy tale and begin to see the relationship as a path of mutual growth, full of imperfections and possibilities, we open up space for something more real and, paradoxically, more lasting than the fantasy.