The Paradox of Acceptance

Carl Rogers, the father of Humanistic Psychology, said: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

This approach is indeed paradoxical, and even counterintuitive. We are brought up to fight against what we do not want, to resist what we do not accept, and this is seen as a sign of strength, of personality and even of character.

I know of someone who never accepted their divorce and, 30 years on, still suffers from the hurt of what happened. Is it strength of character to refuse to accept what reality has brought about, and to lament that reality over the course of decades? Or does true strength and courage lie in accepting the reality that is, fully experiencing the feelings, and continuing on one’s way, free of the hurt?

Much of our psychological suffering comes from not accepting reality as it presents itself in the moment. We do not accept the misfortunes, the setbacks or the “divorces” that sometimes knock at our door. Perhaps naively, we believe that if we do not accept them, things might simply disappear, might not be quite so real… We thus enter into conflict with reality, refusing to accept that things, right now, are as they are. And by not accepting life as it is, we distance ourselves from life — we “divorce” ourselves from the experience life is offering in this moment.

The evidence shows that the more we resist something, when we do not accept it, the more it persists in us and in our lives. By not accepting something, by rejecting something, our brain has to keep it in awareness in order to know what to reject. It is like saying: “now, for a few moments, do not think of a pink elephant!” — the brain will immediately create the image of the pink elephant so as to know what it has to ignore. By not accepting something, we have to keep it in mind, and in this way we perpetuate our suffering.

Research has clearly demonstrated that the more we try to suppress thoughts and feelings, because we do not accept them, the more present they become. What is more, although these attempts to control our inner experience may seem to work in the short term, they ultimately lead to a more limited existence.

Avoiding thoughts and feelings simply does not work: attempts at thought suppression produce a paradoxical effect, leading to an increase in their frequency. It is the struggle to rid ourselves of thoughts and feelings, and to resist them, that most often leads us to suffering.

To accept is to receive what is offered; it does not mean wanting or liking, nor does it amount to giving up or resigning oneself. Acceptance is the willingness to remain in contact with an inner experience, even an unpleasant one; it means being fully in contact with the experiences arising from our personal history, without trying to escape, modify or control those events.

To accept is not to agree or to condone; to accept is to come into harmony with the reality that already exists.

There is an interesting paradox here, of which Carl Rogers spoke, for only after accepting that something exists in us or in our life can we mobilise resources, internal and external, to transform it; until then there is nothing we can do, because we are locked in a struggle with what exists — with reality. “To get out, you must first go in”: that is, to overcome a situation, you must accept its existence.

Acceptance does not, therefore, mean that nothing is done to change the situation; but only after accepting can we begin to think about possible alternatives. Far from being weakness, acceptance requires great courage, for it presupposes that we make ourselves available to feel difficult emotions.

Acceptance is a transformative path which has already been developed into a model of psychological intervention known as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT, and it fundamentally involves developing the willingness to experience rather than avoid, accepting experience just as it is in the present moment.