The Power of Self-Compassion

When we suffer a setback in life — unemployment, a conflict, financial difficulty, a divorce, or some other blow — we generally react in one of two ways: either we become defensive and blame others, or we blame ourselves! Yet neither of these is of much use. Blaming others may ease the sense of failure, but it does not translate into learning; and self-blame can lead to a limited assessment of our personal potential that undermines future development.

What if, instead of flagellating ourselves, we treated ourselves as we would treat a dear friend in a similar situation? We would probably be understanding, empathetic, encouraging. Directing this kind of response towards ourselves is now known as self-compassion, and it has been the subject of research in recent years.

Psychology is discovering that self-compassion is a very useful approach that brings improvements across several domains of mental health, in relationships with others, in school and professional performance, in sport, and even in the field of healthy ageing.

Although self-compassion is currently less well known than self-esteem, they are different things, and self-compassion emerges as a more balanced path to wellbeing with oneself.

The fundamental difference between self-compassion and self-esteem is that self-esteem involves comparison with others and self-compassion does not. We have high self-esteem when we stand out from everyone else — when we are better at something! Inherent in the concept of self-esteem is a social ranking mentality, in which each person’s worth is the result of what they have: the quantity and quality of their material possessions, their type of job, qualifications, number of friends, marks at school, and so on.

Self-compassion does not depend on others; it does not depend on evaluating or judging ourselves in relation to others. Self-compassion creates a sense of self-worth, of deservingness, simply because we are human and, at times, we suffer. Self-compassion leads people to treat themselves with genuine care, to look after their wellbeing and to recover from life’s setbacks.

Inherent in self-compassion is the development of a compassionate attitude towards oneself (rather than a judgemental, censorious one), in which there is a recognition that mistakes and failures are part of learning and of the human experience. In self-compassion there is balance and acceptance of negative emotions — it is possible to experience negative emotions without being carried away by them.

One of the obstacles that arises in developing self-compassion is self-criticism, which is typically activated when people feel they have failed at tasks or when things go wrong.

Self-criticism represents a hostile internal relationship that activates the threat/defence system, generates stress and blocks access to the areas of creativity and strategic thinking our brain has at its disposal. Rather than fostering development, self-criticism can sabotage that development by preventing access to new and creative solutions. Self-criticism underlies the development of feelings of shame and guilt, which can lead to experiential avoidance, social isolation and psychological distress.

Studies reveal that people feel great resistance to letting go of this self-criticism, because they believe that without criticising themselves they would become unmotivated, permissive and lazy. In reality, self-criticism undermines motivation and self-confidence, and generates fear.

Self-compassion, in turn, leads to a greater level of commitment to long-term goals; the likelihood of learning from mistakes is higher, resilience increases, and people become more capable of coping with and overcoming traumatic situations.

Self-compassion thus provides a more stable sense of self-worth, because it is there when we fail. Even when self-esteem abandons us, in failure, self-compassion steps in and gives us a sense of being valuable — not because we have met a certain standard or because we judge ourselves positively, but because we are a human being, worthy of love in that moment.

Here is a suggestion: notice how you speak to yourself when you make a mistake or fail. Are you critical? Accusatory? If so, gradually change the way you speak so that you are understanding, kind and encouraging with yourself. It may be difficult at first, but with practice you will see that it transforms how you feel and how you see yourself!