We Can Agree to Disagree – Disagreement and hostility are different things

There are now more than 8 billion of us — 8 billion minds, each conceiving the world from its own personal perspective. It is easy to see that our views of the world will not always coincide. We will not always agree, and there will be moments when we disagree. But do we know how to disagree? Can we agree to disagree?

There are countless aspects of today's world on which differing opinions are heard. Opinion has become highly polarised. We observe that opposing views, instead of enriching and expanding our conception of the world, bring conflict and opposition. Thinking differently from the “majority” is almost heresy. Those who think differently may nowadays be marginalised and labelled denialists, conspiracy theorists, phobic, and so on.

If, as humanity, we had never had the humility to listen to and reflect on different perspectives of the world, perhaps the Earth would still be considered the centre of the Universe — or perhaps we would never have left the caves, struggling for survival.

Evolution is only possible when there is fertile ground for the growth of new ideas, new perspectives, new paradigms. In their absence, or when they are constrained, there is stagnation.

It is understandable that we need to maintain a cohesive, stable, organised view of the world in which certain premises are accepted as “unshakeable” truths. Such a world allows a sense of safety and predictability.

We must, however, maintain the flexibility and security needed to question prevailing paradigms, accepted convictions and unshakeable truths, thereby preventing the perpetuation of perceptual biases that persist only because they have never been questioned or debated.

We need to know how to disagree without hostility. Facing a contrary view does not weaken us — quite the opposite. Debating with someone who holds a different idea prompts critical thinking, reflection and the refinement of our arguments. We can calmly keep our initial opinion or, if it makes sense, change the way we think and abandon what we then recognise to have been a mistake. Whether we keep our opinion or not, the existence of a contrary opinion allows us to evolve and mature.

Several lines of research reveal how we can disagree productively and without hostility. Harvard University points to a six-step path for achieving this.

1 – In a friendly way, acknowledge and accept that each person may have different perspectives.

2 – Show respect for the other person's opinion, recognising from the outset that they will have good reasons for thinking the way they do.

3 – Ask the other person to help you understand their point of view; devote time to listening to the arguments that underlie their opinion.

4 – Do not react in an overtly negative way to perspectives that strike you as absurd. Genuinely seek clarification and understanding, giving the other person the freedom to set out their reasoning without constraining them with value judgements or criticism. At this stage it is important not to disagree and simply to listen.

5 – When the other person has finished explaining how they reached their conclusions, thank them for their willingness to share their thinking with you. Acknowledge how difficult it is to build a case when one knows in advance that there will be opposition and contrary opinions. Reaffirm the respect you have for them.

6 – In a friendly way, mention that you are not necessarily persuaded to change your opinion; at this stage you may present your own arguments. Finally, acknowledge that we are all works in progress and that we all learn new things every day. Thank the other person for everything they have shared with you.

This six-step sequence can help us disagree without being hostile. It can undoubtedly be challenging in some situations, when what is said strikes us as absurd or exceedingly bizarre, but when the person we disagree with is someone important to us, it is a rewarding effort.

In the name of a peaceful, free and diverse world, we can agree to disagree.